Shock Value.

My SAT result is out

Critical Reading: 690, up from 570

Math : 680, down from 740. I dunno what happened, seriously. -.-"

Writting : 680, up from 660. I got 10 from my essay, up from 8. teehee.

I'm quite. erm. ok fine. satisfied. i guess.

though I was expecting to get at least 2100.

oh well.

I guess I should be happy I got better scores and yeah.

I think the 10 I got for my essay was awesome! hahaha.

right.

time to go back to maths. ><

2:44 AM

you took my heart away.

I dreamt that after exam I became like this:

in case you're wondering, YES THAT IS A FREAKING DORAEMON. loll!!

I dreamt that I ate so much that I became as fat as doraemon.

OH NOO! ><

but i seriously cannot stop eating i dunno whyyyyyyy :(

I don't want to turn into doraemon!! :(

7:01 AM

you took my heart away.

Why am I always prone to desperation and frustration somewhere near exams?

I mean, not because of the exam itself but because of other, non-mugging-related stuff.

SIGH.

like towards the exams i'm attracting more and more problems and problems and problems -.-"

The bali trip is becoming a DAMN BIG issue in school now.

like the top people know about it.

and she is definitely very very pissed with me because I am sort of the mastermind

which totally makes sense why she said whatever it is she said during the previous physics extra lesson.

like. SIGH SIGH SIGH.

I'm starting to regret suggesting the idea, seriously :(

like even though none of my classmates blame me for whatever is happening now, I still feel very very very guilty for suggesting and helping the class plan the whole thing

I mean

if I hadn't done it, there wouldn't have this kind of problem now and everyone would have been able to fully focus on A's instead of thinking about this issue, crying over it and yea.

like GOD I DUNNO WHAT I FEEL

like there's mix of frustration, disappointment, sorrow, and impatience.

I'm disappointed because I was very very very very very happy that almost everyone could go and things were finally settled and we would get to enjoy, probably our last class outing, together.

I'm angry because after all those things we did to anticipate whatever things, it just doesn't work. Things are just still unsolved. or better still, it was solved, but now it is resurfaced again.

It is so frustrating because it feels like we are the only one who tried very very very hard to make it work, but the other party just... ARGH.

and we can't put the blame on anyone either, because it can't be helped. It really can't be helped.

GOSH.

and at the same time I'm very sad cos like we have to do such a mean thing to our own friend and like......... :( we tried so hard but it's just.... :( :( :(

and I'm just so impatience with so many people because of their paranoid. i don't know. they all said it's reasonable, it's valid. but it still seems to be rather exaggerated to me. i mean. GAHHHH. i don't know what to think.

Seriously.

WHY WHY MUST IT BE SO DIFFICULT TO JUST GO BALI AND HAVE FUN AFTER THE DAMN STRESSFUL MONTHS OF EXAM.

and why must this happen now it's not like i don't have any other things to worry about.

ARGH.

no. this can't bring me down

it takes more than this to crush me.

no.

i need to manage this well because after all bad things always happen in life regardless of whatever important agenda or future agendas you have and the only thing you can do is to bravely accept it, face it, and try to solve it while at the same time still carrying out your own agenda.

yes.

GAHHHH.

this is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. i dunno. annoying?

I DUNNO! :(

1:38 AM

you took my heart away.

"Leonny is not gonna do well," she said.

what a nice timing.

when I'm like super down and gloomy and feel like giving up for A's, she just had to say that.

I seriously dunno what I've done to her that has urged her to keep saying those negative things to me.

Really.

why why why why why must she always say all those kind of things to me and ALWAYS at the "right" time?

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

seriously. i'm suffocating again. :(

5:22 AM

you took my heart away.

sometimes perseverance and patience just don't pay.

heh.

reality bites.

i feel like giving up.

1:26 PM

you took my heart away.

today is, theoretically, the last day of school.

I totally can't believe that my 4 years of journey as a scholar in this country is going to end soon (I SINCERELY HOPE SO.)

I can still remember the first day I came here.

I was sort of excited and nervous at the same time.

I was thrilled to face whatever future that was waiting for me; one that I had always imagined to be better than my previous life, to be much more satisfying and purposeful.

After all, I was still on my way finding my self-identity and I still am now.

But at the same time, I felt rather uneasy when I thought of the possible challenges lying ahead of me.

My mum had sort of briefed me on the kind of my life I might have to face and all that.

The first three months were really like honeymoon - the lax bridging course, the daily trip to orchard with my close friends, the routine gossiping and bitching session, birthday celebrations, batch outings, etc etc.

At the first glance, it was exactly like what I wanted; life with much more freedom and choices. I had the liberty to make my own decision and really be solely responsible for it for the first time.

But then reality set in and it turned out that the whole deal wasn't exactly like what I had always imagined it to be.

I had problems in adapting with the culture, in accepting the common perception and the value system the society has, as well as in striving through all the prejudice against "us".

My first two year here were rather full with bitterness, sorrow, depression, frustrations, and angst.

Yet, paradoxically, during those two years I actually learned what true friendship is, found the meaning of love (which by the way I had been struggling to find at that point of time), and grew stronger.

Such "contradicting" cycle of life continued as I went to JC, which ironically, I refused to enter before my O levels.

Again, as I was about to join this community, I had certain expectations in mind. Words had it that the people there were fun, lackadaisical, party goers; the ultimate antagonists of the image of the ideal citizen of this place I have always had in mind.

But again, ironically, I was placed in one of the top classes in the college, joining a class full of muggers, scarily hard-working people.

I thought, darn, this is gonna be another two suffocating years of my life.

I dreaded every single day of school (well, maybe expect PAE period), avoided making interactions or fostering any kind of close relationship with my own classmates.

I thought there was seriously no point of getting closer to those people at all because all I wanted to do was just to take the A level and graduate faster and cut all ties to this country.

But then again, I was taught to humble myself, to open up to other people, and to embrace whatever differences they have that I may have problems with and accept them with an open heart. Again, ironically, in this place that I refused to get in at first, I was molded into a much better person. In this place I met great people, made friends, and found myself again, and made extraordinary memories with the many people who greatly treasure this place as well.

See, if it wasn't because of ACJC, I would have abhorred this country with every single drop of my blood. (hahaha abit exaggerated)

So it was just natural to feel kind of sad as I walked down the bleachers, looking across the Swimming Complex, reminiscing my AC Dance days, faintly hearing people screaming A-A-A-A-C!!!, and watching the fading figures of men without faces wearing the red, blue, yellow t-shirts with the ACJC words emblazoned on it, wasn't it?

Sigh.

Tomorrow marks the end and the start of a new page of my life.

The end to my official term as ACJC student, and the start of the real race towards A level.

Sigh.

Suddenly, I don't really want this to end :(

SOBBBB. ><

5:22 AM

you took my heart away.

sometimesiwishiwasallalonesothaticouldfindoutwhatthehellwasmissing.

9:59 PM

you took my heart away.

you know what.

I just knew that there's this Ivy League in US that provides full financial aid even to international students.

Darthmouth College.

and I just knew it when it's already way too late.

There's no time for me to take SAT subject test already. DARN.

tell me why didn't I check it earlier again? GAHH.

sigh.

A level is exactly one month away.

I feel totally unprepared.

and tired.

like i want to give up give up give up give up its so freaking hard shit :(

GAHH.

focus focus focus.

don't let your heart nor your impulses govern you.

7:21 AM

you took my heart away.